I am trying to make decisions that i will not regret. How hard is that for a 24 year old man? You will allow me to call myself a man. I consider myself to be wise ,given my age ,but i cannot seem to make good choices. I mean that in the five decisions i make ,i will regret at least one. Now for some that is not a big number ,but i want to have an even smaller amount of wrong choices. It’s not that they are always the wrong choices ,sometimes it just seems that way. Most times you cannot tell if the outcome would have been better ,if you had taken a different approach. I mean sure you crashed the car ,but if you hadn’t used the handbreak maybe you would have been injured. That was a good decision ,but how do you know at the moment? You will always think ,what if i had been paying more attention ,could i have seen this coming? An old man once told me ,»If you are enjoying yourself ,then never look back at that moment» and i though ,is he crazy? What if this was my best day? If i look back at that day won’t that make me happy? Then my depression kicks in and says «Oh ,look at how happy you were that day ,you will never have that again». Thank you brain ,that’s what i needed to get through the day.
My self has been very harsh on me lately and by that i mean he constantly reminds me of all the failures and the missed chances i have had in my life. I have tried to stop thinking like that but i cannot find myself thinking about happy things. I do think about happy things ,i’m just not in them. I will sometimes see a perfect society ,where people help each other and smile but i am not there. The day after that i will see a wasteland with sad people and crazy eyes ,guess where i am. I have been having such dreams since high school and i never told anyone. I don’t know if i was afraid ,or embarrased but i always thought that they cannot help me. I still think that they cannot help me. The thing that helps me is telling all these crazy thoughts and dreams and that is actually the reason i starting writing.
I sometimes wonder «what if Hitler had someone to talk to? What if he was allowed to become a painter like he wanted?».
-Well ,then we probably wouldn’t have all this technology. Not to mention the population.
-What about the population?
-Can you imagine how many people would be living on the planet now?
-I guess there would be around 100.000.000 more?
-Where would all these people live? We already have overpopulated our planet.That means that more people would live under the poverty line ,also less food ,less space ,less oxygen ,less trees and so on and so forth.Get the point?The war wasn’t bad for the human kind ,it was a reminder that if we don’t do something by ourselves ,then someone will make that for us and we won’t have the right to complain.
That was a conversation i had with my brain when i was around twenty years old. I don’t think i am crazy ,i just think i am very close. Of course that’s wasn’t a very well formed conversation ,i don’t remember the exact one though. I shouldn’t say conversation cause it makes me sound crazy ,it was more like an opinion that was being developed. Don’t judge me ,i have done that myself several times. I guess that gives you a good idea of how i got to be where am. Keep in mind this was in the beggining ,there are lots of other ideas in my head right now. Don’t be alarmed ,i’m harmless …i think.
Also i should mention that i believe almost nothing of what i read ,as far as i know they might all be wrong. After all our knowledge is limited be our resources ,our technology and our ideals.
Have fun till next time !!