Can i avoid having thoughts?

I am trying to make decisions that i will not regret. How hard is that for a 24 year old man? You will allow me to call myself a man. I consider myself to be wise ,given my age ,but i cannot seem to make good choices. I mean that in the five decisions i make ,i will regret at least one. Now for some that is not a big number ,but i want to have an even smaller amount of wrong choices. It’s not that they are always the wrong choices ,sometimes it just seems that way. Most times you cannot tell if the outcome would have been better ,if you had taken a different approach. I mean sure you crashed the car ,but if you hadn’t used the handbreak maybe you would have been injured. That was a good decision ,but how do you know at the moment? You will always think ,what if i had been paying more attention ,could i have seen this coming? An old man once told me ,»If you are enjoying yourself ,then never look back at that moment» and i though ,is he crazy? What if this was my best day? If i look back at that day won’t that make me happy? Then my depression kicks in and says «Oh ,look at how happy you were that day ,you will never have that again». Thank you brain ,that’s what i needed to get through the day.

My self has been very harsh on me lately and by that i mean he constantly reminds me of all the failures and the missed chances i have had in my life. I have tried to stop thinking like that but i cannot find myself thinking about happy things. I do think about happy things ,i’m just not in them. I will sometimes see a perfect society ,where people help each other and smile but i am not there. The day after that i will see a wasteland with sad people and crazy eyes ,guess where i am. I have been having such dreams since high school and i never told anyone. I don’t know if i was afraid ,or embarrased but i always thought that they cannot help me. I still think that they cannot help me. The thing that helps me is telling all these crazy thoughts and dreams and that is actually the reason i starting writing.
I sometimes wonder «what if Hitler had someone to talk to? What if he was allowed to become a painter like he wanted?».
-Well ,then we probably wouldn’t have all this technology. Not to mention the population.
-What about the population?
-Can you imagine how many people would be living on the planet now?
-I guess there would be around 100.000.000 more?
-Where would all these people live? We already have overpopulated our planet.That means that more people would live under the poverty line ,also less food ,less space ,less oxygen ,less trees and so on and so forth.Get the point?The war wasn’t bad for the human kind ,it was a reminder that if we don’t do something by ourselves ,then someone will make that for us and we won’t have the right to complain.

That was a conversation i had with my brain when i was around twenty years old. I don’t think i am crazy ,i just think i am very close. Of course that’s wasn’t a very well formed conversation ,i don’t remember the exact one though. I shouldn’t say conversation cause it makes me sound crazy ,it was more like an opinion that was being developed. Don’t judge me ,i have done that myself several times. I guess that gives you a good idea of how i got to be where am. Keep in mind this was in the beggining ,there are lots of other ideas in my head right now. Don’t be alarmed ,i’m harmless …i think.
Also i should mention that i believe almost nothing of what i read ,as far as i know they might all be wrong. After all our knowledge is limited be our resources ,our technology and our ideals.
Have fun till next time !!


First post?

So this is my first post ,huh? Should it be emotional ,or logical i wonder. I think i should write something about my past.

I was born and raised in Greece ,in a small town outside Thessaloniki. Throughout my school years i wasn’t anyone extraordinary ,i used to be a normal student with average grades and average body. In my early school years i was loud but as i was growning up i found the meaning in silence ,therefore in high school i was getting extra grades for being quiet in class. I know ,it is both annoying and awesome. I didn’t really want to study anything in particular so i stayed away from university. That wasn’t easy. The pressure was enormous from the people around me ,i think most of you understand that. At the time i was thinking that i could study any time and i believed that i would go to college before i was 23. Actually now in my twenty forth year of living i can say that i would like to study a bunch of things. Yeah ,exactly ,i still have no idea what i want to do! Anyway i was lucky to have been born in a family that tries to understand and support me. That’s all i can ask for really. I started working the year i finished high school and i’ve been trying to create a better tomorrow for me and my friends ever since. The road is very difficult but i am determined to work hard. I have some strange ideas that i am going to share with anyone willing to listen and hopefully we can change together. Up until now i have been very secretive about my thoughts and ideas because most of them are not what society would call normal. I think that’s enough for now ,i should keep some things hidden from you to make our relationship more exciting. Have fun!